In Dreams

This morning, I woke up at 7am, barely aware of my own existence and only able to shuffle my poorly working legs to the bathroom to pee. Note: I am NOT a morning person, and it takes me a good hour and a half to feel like I'm operating in the same realm as the rest of the human race. I laid back down on my bed and suddenly remembered that my brother Ian had been in my dream. It's been several months or maybe even a year since he's visited me in my dreams (that I can remember), and the memory was so vivid and real that I knew I had to immediately put it in my phone's notes so I wouldn't forget. I tried whisper-speaking it into my phone. "Ian was in my dream, and he had been away for a long time" was translated as "And in dream, the kittens awake," so side note, voice recognition does not work for a sleepy, raspy Lauren morning voice.

Anyway. As I jotted down notes from this brief dream, I immediately burst into an exhausted sob. I was instantly struck with how important and powerful this dream was. In all its simplicity, it meant so much to me:

My husband Frank and I were walking through some kind of basketball gym, when I saw Ian. I told Frank, "Ian's here!" and we walked towards him. As we approached, I thought, "I hope he likes Frank" (because older brothers can be very critical and make quick judgments when it comes to the person their little sister has chosen). But he was just as excited to see me as he was to finally meet Frank. He had heard so much about Frank, and his enthusiasm gave me instant relief. Ian looked healthy, and as I hugged him tight, I told him he seemed taller. In the twelve years since Ian died, the dreams I have about him all produce the exact same feeling; in every different situation, he has been "away" or "travelling" for a while and I can't contain my excitement about seeing him again and hugging the strong torso of his 6'4 body. He gave the best, most enveloping hugs, where I felt petite and important and loved. And in every dream, I know our time is brief because he has somewhere else to be. Other family and friends to visit. Other places to travel to. And he talks about it in his very calm Ian way. This dream was no different, except that this time, Frank was there, and Ian already loved him. My brother and my husband never got to meet in person, but somehow I feel like they have.